Yesterday, Jesus kept calling. So I pushed him to voice mail.

When I am struggling with my faith, the last thing I want is to do much of anything.  I feel lost and flounder in this giant sea and have no idea what to do.

I pray, and seem to hear nothing.  I pray, and seem to just feel like what is the point of all this.  I pray, and pray, and pray.  And then I hit bottom.

Yesterday I woke up, early, with some serious not doing so well.  And a friend sent me a huge voxer. I was more proud about the fact that she made it to the 15 minute max and had to add a few seconds, then I was about the message itself.  It was a good message. She’s a very godly woman, and has put has been a huge help over the last 6 months.

She spent much time talking about foundation.  The funny part about our relationship, it’s never, you should do this, that or the other thing. Most of the time it’s I think we need to work on this together.  Or I read this today, but it doesn’t make sense to me, what do you get. Or this is what I am sensing could be the problem.

But foundation would prove to be a big part of the day another change.

I am struggling more and more with many things.  This lonely feeling, this being alone, I should say. It’s not a feeling, it’s a state of being.  If I am not at work, or with my kids. I don’t have much human contact. I use to be so okay with that but lately I struggle. And I especially struggle on holidays when I don’t have my kids.  So part of my huge, once again, meltdown was the fact that on the fourth, I will sit here, in my house, alone.  No where to go. NO one to talk to except my dog and my cat.  Just me.  It’s not an easy thing to do deal with.

I absorbed everything she said, and I wasn’t going to argue with her, even though she told me I wasn’t allowed to but we have both come to a certain conclusion. It’s not the what needs to change. We have come to that on my end.  Hers is a bit different.  It’s the how. How do I change it?

Well you just… people have said, but you just can’t when funds are low. Doing things by myself has become extremely boring and old.  It’s not fun.  You can make it fun for so long but after a long time, it becomes boring and old.

Yesterday, when she was talking about foundation, I hit a different kind of low.  She said somethings that really hit home and some things, I didn’t really know.  The whole time she was talking, all I could envision was being a light house.

A lonely light house. One that has served its purpose and is not just left to let the waves and water destroy it slowly.  It can stand for so long but the foundation will soon crack.  The weeds, and the muck and the sand will start to seep between those cracks and causing it to break down.  After years of neglect and people forgetting it even exists. After years of not being cared for, it will just slowly become nothing.

And I have to say that is probably the feeling I was at. A feeling of, there isn’t much left but to let the waves destroy me. Forgotten, no longer worth much, needing some care but having to stand strong for so long, people forgot that we all need help sometimes.

I sat in my make shift war room, praying for others.  But it felt worthless, meaningless.  It felt stale. Just going through the day, with day stuff because I have to. Because I have to be strong for my kids. Because I have to put on the happy face.  But I am tired, warn, and just longer for someone to come along and take care of me for a bit. Not self tlc.  Not just get away. Not just whatever. But someone to come along.  I have been praying hard for a husband. I have been praying for the husband I don’t even know who he is. Not to complete me. It’s not that at all. But that one adult, who helps to fill in the gap of friends, and children.  The one adult who can do the things, other relationships just can’t do. The husband role.  Not a perfect anything.  I know there will be struggles.  I am okay with that.

So as I sat here in a different kind of bottom, once again, working on things I wish would just go away and I am tired of them coming back.  Praying to the crickets.  Praying to the clouds. Praying to, I honestly was starting to feel as I was just praying to the nothingness.

I decided to take a nap.  I had to be up later. I was going to go shoot some pool.  I was just going to escape. I had no ambition to go do anything. I just wanted to cancel the day, and stay in my pillow fort.  And hope this holiday weekend would go by really quickly.

As I tried to nap, a song kept playing in my head.  Jesus is calling.  I said, nope, I am napping. I have been trying to reach you for days, weeks, it has felt like years.  I am napping, you can talk to me at a better time.  So I sent him to voicemail. I wasn’t having it.

I had to take my son to work before going to shoot pool and I had this impromptu idea to run into hobby lobby for something I needed for my class.  I don’t know why, I should know I can’t afford anything in there, even with my coupon sometimes.  But I thought, nope I gotta go in there.  And I ran into the Jesus calling book in a couple of strange places.  I thought, nope, don’t have money to spend on a book like that.

So I went to shoot pool. Take my younger with. One of my gamers asked if I could go. It was fun. The three of us had a blast shooting horrible pool.  WE aren’t professionals and we play for fun.  It was a nice get out of the house adventure and cheap when split between the two of us.  I still have a half of roll of quarters to go again.  Hurray, but as I was there I kept getting the song, that has the part, Jesus is calling in my head. So I quick looked on my phone, thought, fine, I will see if the library has the book. Probably not, because they never, rarely ever, have anything like that.  I put a copy on hold. It should be available in a day or so. But again, sent Jesus to voicemail. I was busy playing pool and spending time with people I love.

I came home and I had to go for a walk to the mail box.  I had to mail my inmates letters. I like to get back to them right away. I played O come to the altar.  It’s such a good song. I played a few other songs but I was more into the cloud watching.  Looking up as much as I could.

After I got home, and the house was quite. I decided to look at my bible ap, which I do anyway and there were two Jesus calling devotionals.  So I figured, fine, I will answer this time.  As I started to read the very first paragraph of the goofy thing, it was talking about foundation.  I just rolled my eyes and spent the next hour, “listening” to Jesus voice mail.

It was a good thing.  Things I had to refocus on. Answers to questions I had been praying about and not understanding.  Breathing, a few moments of, ugh.

After that I hit the war room and did some repenting.  Lots of gratitude and really prayed for certain things. I have several people in my life going through some really hard times. Including my friend but she is a strong christian woman, and knows that despite the fact of what she has going on, helping others is part of the process for many reasons.  And I do the same for her.  I try to do the same for as many as I can. Without causing burnout.  NO is not a bad word either.

Today I woke up, still feeling like that light house, that is just slowly being beaten down by the waves.  Hoping someone will come along and help fix it back up.  But willing to let the light shine again.  As much as I can.

Faith is not for the light of heart.  Faith is not for the luke warm.  Faith is not about the world.  God doesn’t measure things like the world does.  Faith and the relationship with Jesus takes work. Daily work, not when I feel like, not when things are going bad, or when things are going well. But daily.  Faith is also not something you do by just reading. Faith, is acting.  Faith is living. Faith is answering the calls even when you don’t want to and pushing through the discomfort.  Faith is about mistakes and failures because God doesn’t look at it that way, he looks at it by saying did you obey or did you rebel.  And he still loves us either way.

So as I continue to listen to the voice mail. As I continue to try to be that light house. Okay with being alone and forgotten but serving a purpose all the same.  I will pray. Pray for all the things that are on my heart. And I will continue to pick up my cross and build and work at a relationship that is hard.  Because it takes work. All relationships take work.  But they are so fulfilling when the work is put in. And the results are never what we think.

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A pathfinder’s last adventure through religion. Only one religion left to explore. Maybe the baptist have what she is looking for….

(super unedited but it’s better that way. Life is a work in progress, so are many stories. Life isn’t about being perfect.  It’s about learning.)

Looking, searching, finding, breathing?  She didn’t really know anymore.  She didn’t know whether to just call it quits or continue to seek.  Seek for what?  She didn’t know the answer to that either.  She didn’t know the answer to anything.

Well one thing. One thing she knew the answer to.  A life of isolation, no matter what you believe is not healthy.  It’s not normal. It’s not okay.

But she didn’t know where to begin. So many changes. So much loss.  Not much gain.  One failure after another, trying to find, she didn’t have the answer.

Confusion, maybe.  Maybe confusion.  Confusion if there is only suppose to be one god, and one jesus, and one book to follow if you claim.  Why are there a bunch of religions that can’t even get along?  Why are there a bunch of people who claim one thing but…. that isn’t what this adventure is about.  This adventure is about once again, trying again.

She has felt so lost lately. Was there anyone, any where, any more who actually cared about her?  She was a part of, of what. A bunch of people who, what?  So many incomplete thoughts. So much sadness, hurt.  Maybe anger. At herself, not towards anyone else.  They had to all be right. She was not a good person. She was a horrible person.  It had to be true. Because if it wasn’t true, she wouldn’t be alone.  She wouldn’t be an outcast. She wouldn’t be so isolated.

As she sat, as she did everyday.  Reading her scriptures.  Trying to make sense of it all.  Trying to figure out why she hasn’t given it up already. After almost four years, and so much loss. She much hurt.  So much pain.  So much…. Why she just didn’t give it up. Why she continued to seek.

But what was she seeking. Seeking what the book said?  Seeking for people who would except her for who she was?  Help her grow?  Help her?  Help to not be such a horrible human.  It had to be true, or she wouldn’t be alone.  All the perfect people that surrounded her, had people. Tons of people.

She prayed one last prayer.  Lord, where can I find this place that is talked about in scripture?  That hasn’t become so worldly.  That you can’t even tell the difference between your people and the people of the world.

She sat in silence.  Which at one point use to be a comfort.  Now was to noisy.  Way to scary.  A place that got darker by the day because there is no hope for a person like her.  She must deserve to be alone and the isolation or it wouldn’t be like this.

But she sat anyway, waiting for her next adventure. Waiting to see if there would be an answer. Things have been quite for to long.  And the silence gets over whelming.  More overwhelming then the loneliness of life.

How about baptist?  It’s the only thing you haven’t tried.  She pondered that thought.  It was true. It was the only christian religion left to try.  But try for what?  What was she trying.

She sat and looked up churches in the area.  She found a few.  But which one. They all looked good on paper. All churches look good on paper. Well most do, there are a couple that don’t.

She found two. They sorta made sense. But she just couldn’t seem to coordinate the visit. Maybe she misheard. Maybe she was just grasping for straws.  Maybe she was just crazy, like everyone told her she was.  It has to be true or she wouldn’t live such a lonely life.

What to do?  Talk to who, she didn’t have anyone.  Maybe she was just trying to hold on to this imaginary Jesus because it was the only love she had left to feel. Though that was even getting hard to imagine. She just wanted to get better.  She just wanted to be loved.  She just wanted to…. she didn’t even know any more.

So she did what she does best.  Take it to the river.  Take it to the river and see what happens.  Pray on it.  And wait.  Wait for what, she didn’t know anymore and to be honest she was so tired of waiting, she didn’t even care any more.

But she took it to the river anyway.  She would talk to her new found friend who she has known of for many years.  But she knew his answer.  He would want her to come to his church.  She tried it once.  It wasn’t the place for her.

As she sat with her friend at the river.  He was very distant.  Tired, sick, not doing so well.  He didn’t say much.  Just that he was tired.  It worried her because of his failing health. It worried her because he wasn’t usually so quite.  More observing but neither of them felt awkward in the silence. They were both use to being alone.

As they sat there, and she continued to pray.  The church down the river on her mind.  Not sure if that was the place to go tomorrow or if there was some place else she was missing.  Just wanting a clear answer.  Was this her next adventure or just some more dead ends, trying to find something.

They sat for sometime, in silence, when a man pushing a stroller walked up. We both talked to the cute little girl and she knew she was a cute little girl. Probably enough sass for all of us.

The man said to the friend, “So you love your church?”  The friend perked up, there was nothing more that he loved to talk about than the love of his church.  He loved his church, and he didn’t need to wear a t-shirt to prove it.  He just truly loved his church but  was wearing his “I love church” t-shirt.

He sat and chatted and talked and chatted some more.  The man listened and added his own words in.  He asked me where I went to church. I just said, I was thinking of attending a baptist church down the river.  The man knew  of the church.  Said some good things about it.

She asked the man if he had a church and he said he did.  He stood up as his wife approached and got ready to leave.  He said he was a lead baptist pastor at a church. She thought, of course he is.  She joked with him.  She heard out of most religions, baptist tend to talk, and talk.  So she asked if he would have her out by noon because she had things to do.  He said, lucky for her, there were two services.  If she came to the 8 am, there was a guarantee, if she came to the 10:30, he wasn’t guaranteeing anything.  They all laughed and went about their business.

She thought, cool an answered prayer.  Maybe, it was a bit out and who wants to go to anywhere at 8 am?  She looked the church up, seeing if they were studying anything interesting.  She tried to look it up on the map and it didn’t come up, which is why she couldn’t add it to her list.  As she explored the site, she saw they were studying the book of Luke.  She loved the book of Luke and had just told her river friend just that.  It was the only thing they had discussed. She listened to a message online, and she was hooked.

The other church at the river was still on her mind but this was more of an answer pray. God knows she hates to go places without at least having a person she knows there.  Doesn’t even have to be well known.  God knows how much she loves the book of Luke and God knows how annoyed she gets at the stupid random stuff that happens like at the river.  It’s so annoying.

She was up on time on Sunday. Bright and early and actually a bit excited. Was this going be  it?  Was this going to be whatever it was she was looking for?

She found the church, it was cute. She walked in.  She didn’t have any of the usual anxiety she gets. She didn’t really feel anything.  But that quickly faded.

She walked past a group of people.  Nobody said a word. The website talked up how they were friendly, and had greeters and no worries someone would direct you. Maybe she was invisible.  Or maybe she looked like someone who normally attended.  She didn’t care.

She wandered around for a few more minutes. Starting to think, maybe she miss understood. Maybe this wasn’t where she was suppose to be. Maybe she needed to be at the river church. Or back at home in bed.

Suddenly, the pastor from the river came up to her. Said he didn’t think they had met. She said they had, yesterday at the river.  He lit up, became excited. Explained, he thought she wouldn’t show up. Thought she was going to the other church. He told some person walking by who didn’t share the same excitement he did.  She couldn’t help but giggle and wonder if he had an older single brother.

The music was church music, the message was not about Luke because they had a different message planned this week for a special occasion. It was amazing. It was what she was looking for.  A message packed full of scripture, and a this is how it applies and back to scripture. People who were in their bibles.  Who mostly brought their own bibles,. Who opened them, took notes, and followed along.  With scripture being the main focus.

She left the service feeling lifted and a bit over whelmed.  Ready to sneak out because they did this other thing she wasn’t use to. After service they gathered together, most of the church and discussed more scripture.  She thought this is to good to be true. But she was feeling over loaded.

The pastor caught her and said this is the book I was talking about.  She took the book because this man was very nice and she didn’t feel like being rude.

She left, threw the book on the other side of the van, and just drove home.  Still thinking about the church at the river.

She got home, thinking, pondering, processing.  She ended up bringing the book inside the house, amongst all her work things she had to accomplish the rest of the day.

The book stared at her all day long. But she didn’t want to open it. Just another stupid book, she thought. Just another book about what makes a healthy church, that just is a bunch of blah blah blah. Kind of like this story.

She got tired of working on work stuff.  It became boring and she couldn’t focus anymore.

She picked up the book.  She started to read it and became hooked.  If she highlighted in books the whole thing would be highlighted. It brought about excitement. It brought about, this is exactly what she had been thinking. It brought up, all sorts of things.

She finally went to bed.  Exhausted but filled with a bit of light again.  She didn’t think this would be her church home.  She might end up at the river anyway. Or at least go to finish out the Luke series.

But this might be an adventure for awhile. Exactly what she has been looking for.  Exactly what she has been seeking.  Between the book and the service, her mind was racing.

She really doesn’t want to do this but she is so tired of being alone.  She is to tired of being tired.  She just wants to be around people. She wants to be better. She wants to find love. She wants to not be isolated. She wants to do what this book said. She wants to be apart of a healthy church. She wants to serve again. She wants to have the fire she has four years ago. But she still isn’t sure this is the answer.

Or is it just a temporary adventure. An adventure that usually leads to something else.

But as far as she can tell.  This adventure is starting off as most of them have.  With a strange answered prayer.

She has given up on many things.  Dreams, prayers, hopes. All she can see right now is darkness, isolation, a horrible human who only deserves to be alone.  She knows it’s not suppose to be that way. But she looks at her life.  At her failures. At her faults. It’s all she can see.

But maybe, just maybe, this is a bit of the change she is looking for.

Where does a god fearing woman find a god fearing man?

There are many people who are tired of hearing me say, I am tired of being single.  Do you think any of these people would help?  No, they are just tired of hearing me say it. I am tired of saying it.

And Lord knows I have tried. Many people know I have tried.  I am tired of the cookie cutter christian answers also, so no need to go there either.

But in all seriousness, where does one go.  I go to church, there isn’t anyone there.  I have tried online dating, that just makes me questions my faith and others.  It’s disgusting actually to even think about it.

I have been told I am in the wrong part of the country. I need a black southern Baptist.  I need to go to the bible belt.  God placed me here in Waukesha, Wisconsin, soooooo unless they come here. That is impossible.

I have been told I need a church boy. Great, can someone tell me which church he is at.

I have been told I need to go to the christian dating websites.  Just in case people don’t know, those me are awful.  The worst.  Awful, disgusting.  It’s why I went to secular websites to begin with. Plus, as people love to make money off of christians, all those sites charge a great deal of money.  I am not paying to meet a godly man.  It doesn’t seem right.

I have been told, the Lord will provide. Which would make sense, if I could get out more. Although going out doesn’t make a difference because everyone is attached to their phones. So nobody notices anything going on around them.  A man isn’t just going to show up at the door.  That is weird.  Sure I could run into someone here or there but again. I can’t even go with this one. It just makes me roll my eyes and makes me angry.

I am attracted to a certain type of man.  But it isn’t physical.

Or maybe my man is in another country.  Maybe he’s in jail.  Maybe, but I am frustrated.

I am frustrated and it doesn’t matter.

Where do people meet people.  Sign up for meet ups and it’s either all about drinking or something stranger.  I don’t want to sit around and play board games at church. Or go out drinking.  I can do that with anyone.

I want to go out.  I want to have fun but why does it have to involve drinking all the time.  Can’t we just go shoot some pool. Go for a walk.  Go do something else.

Maybe I am asking for too much. But the more I talk with people.  The more I understand my faith.  I don’t think it’s to much to ask.

Maybe I need to start going to churches in Milwaukee.  Or maybe some other city. Or maybe somebody who truly knows me can help me.

I have had a few people try this, and it makes me question myself and who they see me as.  It also makes me question that I don’t deserve someone or even someone who is good.  Or maybe it’s just because people are tired of hearing my say, I am tired of being single.

I have little hope of finding someone because I don’t know where to look.  I haven’t a clue. And to be honest, I don’t even know how to pray on it any more.  It seems silly to keep praying on things, and they don’t change.

Or maybe this is just a giant clue that I am meant to be single forever.

I honestly don’t know, but it is frustrating.

So maybe I will find him. The god fearing man.  The man to pray with. The man to read scriptures with. But most importantly, the man to live out scripture with. It’s very exciting to me.  But in reality.  I am pretty sure all those men are taken.

There was a crappy woman, who drove a crappy car, to her crappy job so she could support her crappy children, pay for her crappy house, and her crappy bills…

There is only one true statement in that sentence.  I drive a crappy van but……..

By the magic of editing and imagination.  Spun with truth and how I have been working on seeing my world, I will tell the story a bit differently.  Many say, don’t let the thoughts in your head control you.  What many don’t want to hear or listen to, or maybe try to comprehend.  These aren’t thoughts in my head.  These are thoughts that come out from people all around me.  Telling me these things on a regular basis.  I don’t always understand it. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I can say, yes that person has the right to think and say that about me.  I mess up there.  But when that dies down, it’s the complete strangers that feel the need to come up to me and say things, yell things from their cars, send me messages. That I have never figured out.

So for now, let me wave my magic wand and paint a picture of what I have been working on so hard these last few years.  Trying to become a person people will love unconditionally.  Or at least become a person I can deal with myself.  I have to live with me.

So there was a woman.   A true single parent.  A god fearing woman, who learned to love a man who died on the cross for her, only to return to save her.  Over the last four years, she has spent much time getting to know him.  Spending time with him daily, hourly, minutely, depending on the day.  There have been days when she would become angry and frustrated and go and leave him at the river.  Only to go back and pick him up again.

There a woman who works hard to support her children.  She struggles.  She struggles for reasons which do not need to be discussed.  She struggles for reasons that are obvious for a single parent.  But she has kept going.  She has done what she can with the means she has.

She is a warrior, a fighter, someone who has learned to love people others might not love because she gets what it is like to be thrown in the well to die, left in the ditch praying for the good Samaritan to show up.  Wondering if there is anyone out there hearing her drown.

She picks up her sword, daily, sometimes puts on the other armor, depending on what is going on and sets for on a different pathfinding adventure everyday.  Ending up in adventures even her gamers said would not be believable in-game play.

And everyday, she gets into her van. Yes, it is falling apart.  Yes, it is still a thorn in her side because she has no idea how she will get a better vehicle without some help.  She needs the vehicle to get to work, to get the kids around.  She is a single mom with a bunch of kids, who have a bunch of friends, who need a bunch of stuff carted around at any given moment. She knows she needs a mini van, or a 7 passenger something.  She will no longer settle for scorpions.  She knows how to buy cars.  Even this van, that is falling apart and not worth putting any more money into, as some have tried to tell her.  Others who actually have knowledge of cars, say it’s not worth it.  But she bought this van with her own money. After she took the scorpion back to the place where it was purchased, she had no choice but to pick something else off the lot.  Out of everything, sadly this was the best option. She blue booked it, she crawled under it. She drove it.  She had a couple of others look at it.  She took a van that was marked $300 more than the blue book value, $2600, and got them to go down to $1100, tax, title and the whole bang total.  I still probably wouldn’t have paid that much for it. But I wasn’t going to drive the other scorpion off the lot.  And at least I purchased this scorpion, with money, I had saved, and had something with no car payments.

It needed up finally falling apart.  A bit more.  But she found some great people to come to her rescue.  It’s not driving the best still but at least it is something and will hopefully last until she can find another vehicle.  One that will last.  A well maintained vehicle will last for a really long time, and can pack on some really heavy miles. She knows, she bought one brand new off the lot and had it for 15 years before it was totaled in an ice storm.  She knows how to buy vehicles, blue book them, look them up on different rating websites. She knows how to buy vehicles.  And they don’t have to be brand new.

And after a really long time of searching.  And searching. And searching.  She has a job. She works in the helping field.  The helping field. There is no money.  You don’t make money off of helping people.  You get paid in other ways.  She loves her helping field. She loves to help others. She especially loves to help the children.  This is a special needs school. She knows she will get bit, hit, kicked, punched, and probably a billion other things everyday.  But she will enjoy it. She is taking Jesus with her on this adventure.  She is doing this for a mere $12 an hour.  Why because you don’t make money in the helping field.  You make money in the let’s make a bunch of stuff people don’t really need and keep making it better so people will want to spend more money on stuff they don’t need. To impress people they don’t know or don’t even like. To have debt that is unreal.  But for her, she hardly has any debt and loves to help people. For years, she has felt worthless about her career choice.  Having stones thrown because she hasn’t had a “real” job that will get her lots of stuff.  And that has hindered her. But for this new pathfinding adventure.  She is taking what she knows, what she has learned. Her jesus, her scriptures, her life verse of Romans 12:2 and going off and helping these children. The lost, the broken, the mentally ill.

It will not make her rich, it will not make her famous, and she will still struggle, but she will be rewarded in ways others will miss out.  She will get to continue Jesus ministry.  Helping, healing, and loving the least of these.  Loving the least of these which shows loving Jesus.  You don’t get to love Jesus through stuff.  No where in scripture does it say love stuff.  It says to love the least of these.  Help those in need with the means you have. And she has the means. The education.  The time.  The skills needed.  She is going to go take her gifts and talents and use them how she is supposed to.  And not listen to the world anymore.

And with her pay checks, she will pay her bills. As she has in the past.  She will tithe, not to any church the building, because she wants to give directly to those in need. And she has those ministries to give to. Those that she can give direct wares to and they go directly to helping people.  Not to the owners of those ministries pockets, they all have jobs, they work and help others on the side.  Helping the least of these, serving others, just as Jesus did.

And she will continue to raise her kids, because yes, she might have a job that doesn’t pay well, but there are no nights or weekends. Which means she is home for the most important people of her life.  Granted they are all teenagers and adults and one out of the house, but she is here for them. Because she has never been big on chasing stuff.  She just wanted to raise her family.

Her great children.  Her children who aren’t perfect. She thanks god for that everyday.  Her children who have issues, and screw up on things.  Her children who love to help others.  Are always helping others.  Are always helping others that they sometimes forget to help their mother at home but she is grateful because her children know to help others.  The importance of not chasing stuff.  Granted her daughter is materialistic but she to helps others.  She loves to be involved.  She drives her mom crazy but she is still a good kid.  She tries and over tries sometimes.

She can also take that paycheck and pay for this house.  A story that can’t quite be told yet but if it wasn’t for the good Samaritan showing up, she wouldn’t have this or anything for that matter. So despite it’s not being perfect. It is perfect. She has a place to garden, a place for her children and her to sleep. A place they can come home to if needed.  A place to escape the world.  A place to call home because a good samaritan showed up. A good samaritan.  While she knows her scriptures and how god uses everyone. She is struggling with this story.  But she is grateful to have a place to call home.

And finally her bills.  She is grateful that she only has the basic bills to pay. And she is a bit beyond right now because life happened. But as she gets money from her fabulous job, she will slowly get caught up.  AS she continues to help others.  She still prays for a bit of help for herself.  But until she transitions back into the real world.  Back from this world she has been in for the last 4 years, into a world that is helping, loving, giving and from a world she isn’t sure of anymore.  She takes her Jesus and her scriptures with her. Holding tight and standing firm on the word because she doesn’t want to have to stand before Jesus when he says, hey thanks for helping me during this situation or that situation. And looking like a fool, saying, when did i help you in those situations.  And he says, exactly.  Because once she dies, she knows it’s to late but when she is alive, she knows it’s never to late to pick up her cross and work on following a man she claims and believes in.

So as this story and new adventure begins.  As she tries hard to continue to ignore the voices that talk to her. She looks at things from a new rock.  The rock of imagination, found in her secret garden.  She looks at the truth, the trusting and even the relaxing.  she holds strong to the few people who have come along side her over the last few months, few years, who didn’t give up on her.  Who helped her through. Who dealt with her unperfected and her screw ups and her outburst and her whatever else and showed her she is not a crappy person. But a human who was dealt a really crappy hand.  Slowly putting down those deck of cards and realizing she deserves a better life. But not a life full of stuff.  No, a life full of love, compassion, truth, and everything the word stands on.

Some stuff is needed to survive.  It just is, we live in this country, and there are things that are needed for things to work out.  And when people step up and help to make that stuff happen. A person’s world changes.

For right now, she has a home, a job, now she prayers for help with the vehicle.  And it will come, because she is slowly transitioning back into a world of helping and loving and Jesus, and leaving religion where it belongs.  2000 years later, and a manual that explains how to behave, which is common sense.  And people still aren’t getting it right. But that is for a different day.

For today, through the magic of writing and editing, we discuss how this woman has conquered and will continue to conquer.  Through means that are a bit out there sometimes.  And she will enjoy it, and stop listening to a world who is only worried about pleasing the jones.  She will continue to please the God she serves.  She will build the relationships with the people who truly love her and believe in her. She will go out and do the things she enjoys, alone.  Until, the next adventure begins and a gentleman appears.  Or maybe when her children are all adults she will either become a cat lady or a monk.  Those options are not off the table yet.

Either way, she is learning, she is not a crappy person.  She will continue to do what she has to do.  With the means she has to do it.  And enjoy every minute of it so when she stands before her savior, she will be able to say.  She tried. She read and clung to the word. She helped the least of these. She loved every minute of it.  Thank you for saving me and showing me our way of life.

You have to love yourself before others will love you….

I don’t know how many times I have heard this.  Especially over the last four years in this crazy journey, that I sometimes still am contemplating.  I actually woke up this morning, after reading my scriptures and spending time in prayer, and said, why do I even bother continuing to do this.

And I can’t expect people to get it, who haven’t lived it.  I hear that all the time as well.  I can’t expect people to get it, who haven’t lived it.  Funny, how come nobody wants to hear it and get it.

But when you have been a worthless human your whole life. Never good enough.  Never worthy of anything or anyone.  And these are not feelings.  These are not just thoughts running through my head.  I don’t think people get that.  There are things that I am told on a regular basis.  People I know, people I don’t know, strangers who seem to want to point that out.  And that one I don’t understand.

I have learned to love who I am.  I have learned to love that I can only change so fast and so much. I have learned, I will never please anyone.  I will always be a worthless, ugly, fat, don’t make enough money, don’t drive a good enough car, or have a good enough job, or say the wrong things, or do the wrong things, or have strange hobbies, and most importantly, god will always hate me. I have come to that reality.  Because I am told it, at least once a week.  But nobody cares, and nobody wants to listen because I am a strong person and I should surround myself with people who….. Who what, most of this stuff has come from believers.  People who will love me if I just…. Just what, just stop doing that.  That what, nobody can tell me, and if they can tell me, it doesn’t make much sense.

I am not unhappy with myself.  I have come so far. I have been through more hell than most people i know.  Most people get a hang nail and want to end it all.  But I keep going because of my children.

I am not perfect and I pray I never become as perfect as the people I have.  Sure there are some good people. A couple.  They have tried so hard to show me I am a good person.  I appreciate them for that. But they have busy lives as well.  They are going through a lot as well.

I am not unhappy with who I have become.  I am proud of how far and the things I have accomplished.

But I have decided, awhile back. I need to go back to my old ways.  Back to just isolating myself.  Yes, it gets lonely.  It gets boring. It gets whatever. But it is better than trying to please people.  I will go back to knowing, I am just meant to be alone. Leave my house when I only have to. Work, the kids need something, maybe go gaming, a walk in the park, or if I decide to take myself out to eat.  But it will be done alone.

I am not unhappy with how I have become. I might not have the best house but i fought hard and got it with some help.  Yes, I had to have help.  I have a crappy van but I purchased that crappy van with money I had saved away and knowing how to buy a crappy vehicle because I will never qualify for worldly loans.  Yes, my job might not rake in the dough but it allows me to raise my family.  To spend time with my children. To make sure I am here for them when they need me.

To the world, I might be worthless.  Not good enough.  Not pretty enough, tall enough, confident enough, struggle to much. To real, to open. Not whatever.  It doesn’t matter. But to me, I am who I am, and always will be.

NO matter my weight, I will always be curvy.  Call it fat if you like but after four children, I can fit into a size 6.  I need to do a bit of work but I am quite proud of myself for that accomplishment.

Call me ugly, I can’t change my outward looks.  I have break outs because of internal stuff going on.  Not much can be done. I am tired.  I am also 40.  I was not made to be a 10 but I can do my best.

Call me miserable. Actually I am just a realist.  I am introverted. I might dance in the aisle of the store but that is for my entertainment.

Call me names.  Call me worthless. But it doesn’t matter anymore because I am not unhappy with myself. I enjoy who I have become.

Make fun of me because I don’t have stuff. But I also don’t have debt, minus a few things right now as life gets back together.  But I don’t have a fake house payment for a house I can’t afford and a car just to impress the jones. I also don’t have credit cards except my very small Kohls card which was because I just wanted it.  Because I don’t need stuff to impress people. If i want something i save up for it.  So I will never have a shiny credit report to boast about but I will also not have all the worldly that goes with it.

Make fun of me because I know the word.  This one I find kinda disturbing and sick. But I am not giving it up.  Don’t call me a christian.  You may call me a god fearing woman who picks up her cross daily and is trying to be more christ like. Which is long and I would prefer you not call me anything. But i am happy, I am glad to have built a relationship with Jesus. It has been a great journey.

Make fun of my jobs. I pay my bills, raise my kids.  Do I struggle. Yes.  But if you don’t care to understand and comprehend this.  There is no point in talking to anyone about it.  I don’t regret my job choices because it allowed me to be here for my kids. Does it allow us fancy vacations, and stuff.  No, but I have really good kids, who understand stuff is not important.  And helping others is.

Do whatever you want because I am not unhappy with myself. Frustrated. Alone.  Yes, Depressed. Sad sometimes because the lonely gets to me.  But i am not unhappy with myself.  So that clearly isn’t the problem.  Clearly I am the problem for all of my life.

Oh, look at how depressed she is with these words.  Frustrated.  Read it for what it is, not what you think it is.  I am frustrated.  But I am not going to be that way any longer.  I am going to go back to my little cave.  Back to my word.  Back to doing what I enjoy.  Back to just my kids and I.

Because I am not unhappy with myself. But I don’t want to be called names anymore. I don’t want to be unworthy. I don’t want to not be good enough for people.  I just don’t have it in me to meet expectations of so many different people.  I just want people to love me for me.  And if that is too hard to ask. Then there is no point in trying anymore.  I have no choice but to go back to isolating myself. Living in my own world, with my arts, and my books, and my french, and my walks.  And my gaming.  And my kids. And my own little world.  My own little world, where I can at least protect myself.  And protect others.  Because I know everything is my fault.  I have been told.  It’s all my fault.  If I just would…

So if you think I am unhappy with myself.  I  am not. I am human. A human that has been through hell and back.  Survived more than most people. And made it through. Alone, always to be alone, and that is hard to swallow but it’s just the reality I have to face because I can no longer try to meet expectations of others I will never reach.  I am me. I am happy with me. I am happy with my progress. I am happy with many things. I will continue to grow that and help strangers.  Help my ministries.  Help those that god puts in my life.  But I pick up my sword and carry on this adventure alone.

This temple has a no sex will dating policy. All complaints can be taken up with the higher up, or just open your manual and read that….

Trust me this is not about the lack of sex life I have.  And to be honest, even if it was, I seem to be the only one who doesn’t have a problem with it. I have given myself to two two many men.  There will either never be a third or there will be. Either way I am okay with it.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is actually a beautiful thing.  But I have learned, it is truly meant to be between two people who are in love and want to spend eternity with.  Not something you just give away because that is what the world is shown.

Sex is everywhere.  And while sometimes people are taught, just don’t do it.  We are never really taught why.

Even if I didn’t have faith, this would be a rule.  I believed twice that the only way to keep a relationship was through sex.  And that is so not true.  The second time, it wasn’t to keep this man, it was because I truly do love him.  But there is no love in return and never will be.

The part that bothers me the most in this situation is the hateful things that get told to me when I am up front and honest about my rule. And not by the unbelieving men.  They are usually scared off long before that because I claim Jesus.  Apparently they are afraid I am going to try to save them or something.  Which isn’t my job.  I have a hard enough time-saving myself.

This stems from the people who claim some sort of faith, whether it’s christian, or Methodist, or Baptist, or whatever, it’s all one Jesus and one book.

And it’s never a oh, okay, I respect that decision.  It’s always resorted to being called names.  Harsh names. Being called ugly. Being told that the only way I will ever get a man is if I put out because I am not attractive enough to catch a real man. Being told that sex is a must to form a relationship.  All these things from men who are supposedly God-fearing men.

While people can pull the people card.  I should never be made fun of for holding strong to the word by believers.  I shouldn’t have to put up with being called names and being told horrible things because I am holding onto the word by men who claim Jesus.

Where are the true men of the church in this situation. Why are churches so afraid to stand up and teach the word. Teach people how to be good christians.

I have been told by many men, when some sit down and have honest conversations.  That they use christianity to lure christian women because they are the most vulnerable. I have seen that first hand. Women in general become so lonely.  Just want to be loved.  Just want a partner, someone to help them.  How god created us to be.  God did not create a partner for Adam so he could have a slave.  They became partners in life.  Each having a role and a function.  Not just for sex.

And this is not a new problem.  History, tv, scripture, shows how sex is used in ways that is not right.  How it’s a need and it’s okay to sleep with everyone. And it’s okay to just take it.  Or to use it because men know some women are so desperate for love.

Churches need to start stepping up and teaching men how to be godly men.  Dating does not equal the need for sex.  Churches need to step up and show women how to be strong that under no circumstances should they comprise themselves and sleep around just to find love.  That is not love.  Nor is it the love of Christ.

While I may never get a man because I am a horrible, ugly woman.  Because I refuse to put out.  Because I also never leave my house.  I have learned some valuable lessons.  My self-worth is more than what the men I attract think.  Sleeping with someone is not love.  And I don’t regret the second man I was with. But there will not be  third until there is a ring on my finger.

And if you claim Jesus or faith or god or whatever it is you claim.  Please stop.  Please stop if the only thing you have on your mind is sleeping around. And don’t be fake either.  Pretending to be a gentleman and taking advantage of someone else.  Knowing that this person is falling in love with you.

Hang out with people.  Go have fun.  Hug someone.  Kiss them on the cheek.  Hold a hand now and again. But keep sex for the one true love in your life.  You are worth it.  It is worth it.  And once you are married.  Keep the sex between the two of you.  Scripture is very clear on denying each other.  Sex is not a tool for leverage but something that is beautiful and healthy between two people.  It is natural.

As for me, I have signed off of online dating.  And this time forever but that is a topic for another day.  And you can call me names. You can say all the hurtful things in the world. And I may cry and question my decision.  But I have learned. Learned that my morales, my values and the fact that I might not deserve a 10 of a man, but I surely don’t deserve to be abused any longer. And I would rather stay single then to put up with it one more day. And I would rather stay single then to sleep around because that is what the world things has to have happen for those of us that are not 10’s.

Many people have outside beauty, but very few of them have inner beauty.  Find someone who has inner beauty.  Find someone who your soul connects with.  Find someone who will not make you believe you are so worthless that you have to sleep around and give yourself to the world to find it.

Find people in your life who will also tell you the same thing.  Anyone who convinces you that sleeping around is the only way to go.  And makes fun of you for it, they aren’t worth it either.

Again, Sex is not a bad thing but like anything in this world, when it’s used for evil, that is what makes it bad.

As for me, as I have said many times already.  I am going to stand firm not the word. I am going to stand firm on my beliefs that I am worth more than having to sleep around.  I am going to stick with the people who also have this belief. And if love is meant to be in my future.  I know, it will be a very beautiful thing.  Kept strong between the two of us.  Not shared with the world.  Just as it is meant to be.

The abuser, the inmate, the besties ex husband. Just a typical day in online dating…

***97% of the men I run into, claim to have faith, be a christian, claim god and jesus.  Hence another reason, why, I don’t want anything to do with this stuff anymore.  I would rather date and marry a satanist at this point.

First, yes, I know what whoever comes my way, it will have to do with the whole faith thing. But again, Jesus is not going to show up at my door with things.  I have to actually get out and do stuff.  And since I only work, I don’t get out much.  I am sure there is something I am missing, but not sure what. And to be honest, this is more of a learning experience than anything.

But here is a typical day for the last 3&1/2 years of trying this.  And why, I don’t want to do the dating thing at all.  Heck, I have prayed that as I sit here or there or go here or there that some gentleman would show up.  But if you don’t want to listen and don’t want to get it. Then don’t bother saying anything.

Online dating is an adventure, and really, I don’t understand how to work it.  Clearly after 3&1/2 years and only meeting one man, who I will love forever.  I am clearly the problem. I attract men that make me wonder if I am even a good person.

Yesterday was a typical day.  So I thought I would share it.  It’s beyond the point of weeding.  It’s to the point where i truly am questioning whether I will ever be good enough for anything.  Why I feel so worthless.

The last many times I Have tried online dating, I have not really messaged anyone.  It’s not the rejection that gets to me, it’s the fact that there isn’t even a response.  A no thank you would be okay.  I get it.  Online dating is like shopping, you go around and look for what product looks the best and you pick it.  Based on its looks.  Which I can tell you, there are lots of beautiful people out there who have ugly souls.  Looks don’t make you a good person.  But I do want someone who semi takes care of themselves.

Anyway, so it was a typical day. The usual nothing messages.  The usual everyone wants to meet you but nobody has the feature because nobody wants to pay for such a service.

Then I get a message.  And for some reason, I can’t handle text talk. I don’t understand any of the abbreviations and I spend more time trying to figure out what you are trying to say to me.  Last time I checked, most people don’t own flip phones, and the phone will even type it out. I would rather have grammar issues, and stupid auto corrects then to get all these abbreviations I don’t understand.  Not only that you claim you want an educated woman, and you are an educated man.  I am pretty sure you can spell out simple sentences.  Try to impress someone. But that is just a rant.

So this gentleman asked wat u doin?  and wat you lookin 4?  Those I can translate but it doesn’t make me less annoyed.  Then a few other things I didn’t understand so I responded with What?  I don’t understand text talk can you please use complete sentences.

And that is when it got ugly.  He types, well lady, my spelling is write (now this bothers me less, at least I understand what he is trying to say).  I abbreviate at times too.  So u trying to make fun if me??  I was not trying to make fun of him. I was trying to understand what he was trying to say to me.

Right…. At this point, I didn’t respond because I knew where this was going.

So u trying to make fun of me?? I was busy at this point and I couldn’t respond.  But figured maybe if I ignored him he would go away.

I know u like black guys… What do u like about us?  I have no idea where he got this information.  I will say yes, color is not an issue.  It’s not the issue I have with any man at this point.

U r a crazy, weird, disoriented ugly lady… Don’t nobody want u.. that’s why u on line feeling lonely, self conscious and down about yourself…. get a life I’ll minded lady..

Somewhere in-between me reading all of this, he blocked me or something and I couldn’t respond at all even if I wanted to.

I have to admit, I cried.  Not because his words meant anything because this was a complete stranger, who I had only made one statement to about just wanting someone who can spell things out so I can understand what they are talking about.  But because this is what I get all the time.  This is who I am treated.  All the time.  Sometimes I get it.  Sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I just wonder why do I even bother trying to interact with people and why am I such a horrible human being.  When this is what I deal with on a daily basis. From strangers.  All because I asked him to please stop abbreviating everything because I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say.

Sure you can say, well there are people. But this happens all the time.  Strangers, who feel the need to do this to me and then people wonder why I am the way I am. When you only have people talking to you in this manner do you really want to hang out or trust people.  You become defensive and introverted and don’t know how to react in situations because this is all you are worth having to listen to.

I know I am not a 10, I never will be but why is it that men feel the need to tell me how ugly I am all the time.  Why does anyone have to do that?

But enough about him. Because it is just making me feel even more miserable.  So let’s move onto the next person.

It is funny to me the amount of inmates on dating websites.  Everyone is looking for love.  That is not the problem.  And I am not judging, we all have issues and pasts and all sorts of crazy in our lives. Whether you want to admit it or not.  But this gentleman was using a phone that was smuggled into his unit to try to find a woman before he gets out soon.

He also made a comment about my looks.  He preferred heavier woman beautiful woman but at this point he wasn’t going to be picky.  Yes, I feel completely flattered by this remark.

I talk to some of the most amazing men in prison. I won’t deny this.  And the problem with finding the ones online I have been warned about them. Not that I don’t know their games but my inmates are very protective and truly are just looking for pen pals.  So they tell me the stories and what to watch out for.  How to protect myself.  It is nice to have people looking out for you. It is nice to have men who treat you with respect.  So no, it has nothing to do with the fact that this gentleman was an inmate. It had to do with his comments.  It had to do with the fact that he is risking his soon to be freedom for something not worth it at all.  It had to do with some of the strange comments he made because I said no thank you and he got ugly about it.

We all have past.  I don’t have a problem with someone who is open and honest about their past.  Heck, I welcome that.  But seriously, I have way to many people looking out for me to know who is playing and who is serious. He quickly went away when I said he couldn’t come live with me when he got out and I wasn’t sending him money.  Which is something my inmates remind me of all the time.  How to know who is true and who isn’t.  Tell them, even if I have the means, that i don’t have the means.  The boys who are still looking for just letters still write, we have written for a year now.  The boys who are looking for games, well they stopped playing long ago.

And just when I thought, this couldn’t get stranger.  I have to admit. Usually this stuff happens over a several day period so yesterday was a bit of a day of overload.

I got my daily matches.  Just a couple, since I have been doing this so long, I don’t get many.  And there was this one gentleman.  I stared at him and started at him.  I knew I hadn’t seen him on here before. I read his profile and went I know him.  For real know him.  Not I have seen him around on here or seen him in real life.

So I snapped a picture of my computer screen.  And sent it to my friend and said is this……

She responded back that it was, and was I matched with him. I said yes. She said she was sorry but she couldn’t stop laughing.  I have to admit after the stupid of the day. I couldn’t stop laughing either.  I didn’t do anything with this. Not that I would have messaged him anyway.  He clearly wants 10 woman, and after dealing with daily not even feeling like a 2.  I wouldn’t have messaged him not knowing who he was.  But I have to admit, even now sitting here, it makes me laugh, out of all the men in the sea, I would get matched with him.  It doesn’t mean anything. It just some computer glitch that just sends randomness to people.  I don’t take any of this stuff serious.

But I have learned much from online dating. Dating is hard.  People say one thing but really they are just looking for physical matches which doesn’t last and I am looking for something deeper, which will last.  Physical can change at any moment.  Age will do it, an accident will do it.

So while I don’t really want to remain single anymore.  While I really struggle with the constant of having to do everything alone.  I have no choice. I can’t force people to hang out with me. I am tired of begging people to hang out with me which isn’t healthy anyway.  I am tired of waiting around for people to hang out with.  I realized I am just tired.  And while many of my habits aren’t healthy. It’s just another thing I am going to revert back to.  If I have to do and be alone, then I am going to do and be alone my way.  Where people can’t say mean ugly things.  And I don’t have to worry about trying to be something I am not.

AS for online dating, if anyone still can’t understand why I don’t want to do it anymore. That’s okay. I am just going to sit here and be alone.  And when I start to become miserable again.  Because I can feel it happening.  I will just go, this is who I am.  The horrible, ugly person, these strangers all tell me I am.