When I am struggling with my faith, the last thing I want is to do much of anything. I feel lost and flounder in this giant sea and have no idea what to do.
I pray, and seem to hear nothing. I pray, and seem to just feel like what is the point of all this. I pray, and pray, and pray. And then I hit bottom.
Yesterday I woke up, early, with some serious not doing so well. And a friend sent me a huge voxer. I was more proud about the fact that she made it to the 15 minute max and had to add a few seconds, then I was about the message itself. It was a good message. She’s a very godly woman, and has put has been a huge help over the last 6 months.
She spent much time talking about foundation. The funny part about our relationship, it’s never, you should do this, that or the other thing. Most of the time it’s I think we need to work on this together. Or I read this today, but it doesn’t make sense to me, what do you get. Or this is what I am sensing could be the problem.
But foundation would prove to be a big part of the day another change.
I am struggling more and more with many things. This lonely feeling, this being alone, I should say. It’s not a feeling, it’s a state of being. If I am not at work, or with my kids. I don’t have much human contact. I use to be so okay with that but lately I struggle. And I especially struggle on holidays when I don’t have my kids. So part of my huge, once again, meltdown was the fact that on the fourth, I will sit here, in my house, alone. No where to go. NO one to talk to except my dog and my cat. Just me. It’s not an easy thing to do deal with.
I absorbed everything she said, and I wasn’t going to argue with her, even though she told me I wasn’t allowed to but we have both come to a certain conclusion. It’s not the what needs to change. We have come to that on my end. Hers is a bit different. It’s the how. How do I change it?
Well you just… people have said, but you just can’t when funds are low. Doing things by myself has become extremely boring and old. It’s not fun. You can make it fun for so long but after a long time, it becomes boring and old.
Yesterday, when she was talking about foundation, I hit a different kind of low. She said somethings that really hit home and some things, I didn’t really know. The whole time she was talking, all I could envision was being a light house.
A lonely light house. One that has served its purpose and is not just left to let the waves and water destroy it slowly. It can stand for so long but the foundation will soon crack. The weeds, and the muck and the sand will start to seep between those cracks and causing it to break down. After years of neglect and people forgetting it even exists. After years of not being cared for, it will just slowly become nothing.
And I have to say that is probably the feeling I was at. A feeling of, there isn’t much left but to let the waves destroy me. Forgotten, no longer worth much, needing some care but having to stand strong for so long, people forgot that we all need help sometimes.
I sat in my make shift war room, praying for others. But it felt worthless, meaningless. It felt stale. Just going through the day, with day stuff because I have to. Because I have to be strong for my kids. Because I have to put on the happy face. But I am tired, warn, and just longer for someone to come along and take care of me for a bit. Not self tlc. Not just get away. Not just whatever. But someone to come along. I have been praying hard for a husband. I have been praying for the husband I don’t even know who he is. Not to complete me. It’s not that at all. But that one adult, who helps to fill in the gap of friends, and children. The one adult who can do the things, other relationships just can’t do. The husband role. Not a perfect anything. I know there will be struggles. I am okay with that.
So as I sat here in a different kind of bottom, once again, working on things I wish would just go away and I am tired of them coming back. Praying to the crickets. Praying to the clouds. Praying to, I honestly was starting to feel as I was just praying to the nothingness.
I decided to take a nap. I had to be up later. I was going to go shoot some pool. I was just going to escape. I had no ambition to go do anything. I just wanted to cancel the day, and stay in my pillow fort. And hope this holiday weekend would go by really quickly.
As I tried to nap, a song kept playing in my head. Jesus is calling. I said, nope, I am napping. I have been trying to reach you for days, weeks, it has felt like years. I am napping, you can talk to me at a better time. So I sent him to voicemail. I wasn’t having it.
I had to take my son to work before going to shoot pool and I had this impromptu idea to run into hobby lobby for something I needed for my class. I don’t know why, I should know I can’t afford anything in there, even with my coupon sometimes. But I thought, nope I gotta go in there. And I ran into the Jesus calling book in a couple of strange places. I thought, nope, don’t have money to spend on a book like that.
So I went to shoot pool. Take my younger with. One of my gamers asked if I could go. It was fun. The three of us had a blast shooting horrible pool. WE aren’t professionals and we play for fun. It was a nice get out of the house adventure and cheap when split between the two of us. I still have a half of roll of quarters to go again. Hurray, but as I was there I kept getting the song, that has the part, Jesus is calling in my head. So I quick looked on my phone, thought, fine, I will see if the library has the book. Probably not, because they never, rarely ever, have anything like that. I put a copy on hold. It should be available in a day or so. But again, sent Jesus to voicemail. I was busy playing pool and spending time with people I love.
I came home and I had to go for a walk to the mail box. I had to mail my inmates letters. I like to get back to them right away. I played O come to the altar. It’s such a good song. I played a few other songs but I was more into the cloud watching. Looking up as much as I could.
After I got home, and the house was quite. I decided to look at my bible ap, which I do anyway and there were two Jesus calling devotionals. So I figured, fine, I will answer this time. As I started to read the very first paragraph of the goofy thing, it was talking about foundation. I just rolled my eyes and spent the next hour, “listening” to Jesus voice mail.
It was a good thing. Things I had to refocus on. Answers to questions I had been praying about and not understanding. Breathing, a few moments of, ugh.
After that I hit the war room and did some repenting. Lots of gratitude and really prayed for certain things. I have several people in my life going through some really hard times. Including my friend but she is a strong christian woman, and knows that despite the fact of what she has going on, helping others is part of the process for many reasons. And I do the same for her. I try to do the same for as many as I can. Without causing burnout. NO is not a bad word either.
Today I woke up, still feeling like that light house, that is just slowly being beaten down by the waves. Hoping someone will come along and help fix it back up. But willing to let the light shine again. As much as I can.
Faith is not for the light of heart. Faith is not for the luke warm. Faith is not about the world. God doesn’t measure things like the world does. Faith and the relationship with Jesus takes work. Daily work, not when I feel like, not when things are going bad, or when things are going well. But daily. Faith is also not something you do by just reading. Faith, is acting. Faith is living. Faith is answering the calls even when you don’t want to and pushing through the discomfort. Faith is about mistakes and failures because God doesn’t look at it that way, he looks at it by saying did you obey or did you rebel. And he still loves us either way.
So as I continue to listen to the voice mail. As I continue to try to be that light house. Okay with being alone and forgotten but serving a purpose all the same. I will pray. Pray for all the things that are on my heart. And I will continue to pick up my cross and build and work at a relationship that is hard. Because it takes work. All relationships take work. But they are so fulfilling when the work is put in. And the results are never what we think.